Our friends at the Onion did not take kindly to the Supreme Court’s historic and terrifying ruling to overturn Roe v. Wade. As is their proclivity, they conjured up some inspirational headlines aimed at putting the high court’s conservative majority in its place. Here are some of them:
-Supreme Court Votes 5-4 to Throw Beer Bottle at Slut
-Supreme Court Rules 5-4 to Reopen Japanese Internment Camps
-Supreme Court Votes 5-4 to Lock Nation’s Toddlers in Hot Cars
-Supreme Court Rules 5-4 to Drive Slowly Alongside Women Walking Home Alone at Night
-Supreme Court Votes 5-4 to Add Jesus to All Paintings
-Supreme Court Votes 5-4 to Make It Illegal for Women to Deceive Men With Makeup
-Supreme Court Rules 5-4 to Baptize Constitution
-Supreme Court Votes 5-4 to Reclassify Women as Service Animals
And here’s one from The Salt Lake Tribune (we are not making this up):
-GOP Lawmaker Says She Trusts Utah Women to Control Their “Intake of Semen”
It’s a no-brainer! Who needs legal abortion when you can just control your intake of semen? Just turn that spigot off. Or cross your legs … or
The Reactionary States of America
Score another one for the culture-war folks. They have had it with Hollywood defining their mores. They get apoplectic when people choose their own sexes. They’re tired of young, liberal punks who have money and fun. But now those sinful bastards will pay because the culture warriors have succeeded in making abortion illegal—it’s a brilliant day for unborn white personhood and horrible day for shithead liberals and the wives of Republicans who sneak off to get a D&C. It proves Trump won and history is on the side of the righteous. There’s good and there’s evil, and ne’er the twain shall meet. Eventually, there will be no legal abortion in this country, so if you want one, you’re going to have to roll the dice on dying of the worst kind of hemorrhaging. And if you do, it will serve you right for being a baby killer. This is just the beginning. The Supreme Court has ruled we can have all the guns we want, wherever we want, just as the Second Amendment says. And we’re not done rolling back voting rights, either. Those brown people are just Democrat stooges voting to get free stuff. And we won’t let teachers groom our kids to be freaks who want to be gay or trans. We are trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored, our truth goes marching on. Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
All We Need Is Guns
(Sung to the tune of the Beatles’ “All You Need Is Love.”) All we need is guns, la la la la la. All we need is guns—guns, guns is all we need. Well, shut our mouths—the Senate has passed a gun-safety law for the first time in decades. But hold your fire, are these really meaningful gun-safety measures or mere window dressing from lawmakers feeling the pinch after a raft of mass killings? The Safer Communities Act would enhance background checks for gun buyers between 18 and 21 years old, incentivize (but not require) states to enact “red flag” laws that enable firearms to be temporarily confiscated from people deemed dangerous. It would also extend to dating partners a federal law that prohibits domestic abusers from purchasing guns and provide hundreds of millions of dollars for mental health and school safety. It’s hard to see how these modest steps could put a significant dent in our epidemic of firearms fatalities. But as limp as it is, the only member of Utah’s delegation to vote for the new law was Sen. Mitt Romney. It points up just how far the NRA has its teeth into the rumps of Republican lawmakers, who, incidentally, have argued that mental health and school safety are key to reducing gun violence. All we need is guns, la la la la la. All we need is guns—guns, guns is all we need.
Postscript—That’ll do it for another historic week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of those right-wing ideologues at the Supreme Court, so you don’t have to. Overturning Roe v. Wade is just the beginning for this emboldened court, where Justice Clarence Thomas says it’s time to re-think gay marriage and contraception. At England’s Glastonbury Festival, American singer Olivia Rodrigo was joined on stage by Lily Allen, who penned a song called, “F—You,” aimed at the high court for its ruling: “F— you, f— you very, very much / ‘Cause we hate what you do / And we hate your whole crew.” Elsewhere, actor Samuel L. Jackson ripped “Uncle Clarence,” for his views on abortion and same-sex marriage. While on the other side, Republican Congresswoman Mary E. Miller thanked Donald Trump “for the historic victory for white life in the Supreme Court …” There’s plenty of egg going around and a lot of it is on the faces of Sen. Susan Collins of Maine and Sen. Joe Manchin of West Virginia, who, during confirmation hearings, trusted justices Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch when they said Roe v. Wade was settled law—then summarily threw it out. It’s all reminiscent of the 1978 film Animal House when Otter says to Flounder: “You f—ed up, you trusted us.”
Well, Wilson, it’s a mixed up, mad, crazy world. A lot of bad stuff is raining down as if it were shit-storm season. So, maybe you and the guys in the band can give us a little something to help gird our loins and trim our sails as we navigate the troubled seas of discontent:
You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
But you must try, try and try, try and try
You’ll succeed at last
Persecution you must fear
Win or lose you got to get your share
You’ve got your mind set on a dream
You can get it, though hard it may seem now
You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
But you must try, try and try, try and try
You’ll succeed at last
I know it—listen
Rome was not built in a day
Opposition will come your way
But the hotter the battle you see
Is the sweeter the victory now
You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
But you must try, try and try, try and try
You’ll succeed at last
—”You Can Get If You Really Want” by Jimmy Cliff